I have spent a significant amount of time writing, offline. In fact, I have been offline in general, living in each moment. Today’s chapter I am sharing for my mom.  As today would have been her 60th birthday.

Whenever I start to talk to someone about spiritual awareness, I suggest guided meditation. This is a great way to begin opening yourself up to hearing, seeing and knowing. For those of you who do not know what guided meditation is, lemmie tell you. This guy, in the smoothest voice, walks you into a meditative state, and helps you to access parts of your subconscious brain. Sometimes it can be a challenge to meditate, but this way, there is a place you are going.

November 2015 was when I first discovered Jason Stephenson’s Guided Meditations. I was awestruck with it, how could I not know this was a thing? I knew meditation was a thing, because I had done meditation and yoga but GUIDED meditation- man talk about a new level of breakthrough.

The first guided meditation I did was Inner Child- By Jason Stephenson. This has become my favorite guided meditation, and the one I always direct people to first. You can do this 17-minute meditation dozens of times like me and it can be different each time. If you do a meditation over and over again and it is the exact same each time, or you are seeing the same memories or symbols you need to heal these moments. You need to learn from what you see, have an open mind and open heart. So I got a notebook out, because mom always said to write things down, and I did the meditation.

I was blinded by sunlight, in a field with overgrown grass. I walked a little ways and I saw a girl sitting in the shade of a tree, looking down and drawing in the dirt at the base of the tree. The girl was about four or five years old, with short hair. I asked her if I could sit with her. She would not look up from the sand, smile or speak- she just shrugged.

I asked the little girl what she liked to do for fun. Without looking up, speaking in almost a whisper, she said she liked to play barbies or guys with her little sister. I asked her what her fears were-and she slowly looked up and said being alone. She felt lonely a lot, and just wanted to be loved. She just wants to do what will make her mom and dad happy. She looked down, saying she just wanted her mom and dad to play with her-she doesn’t want to get yelled at anymore. I asked her if I could help her and I apologized she felt so alone and sad, I told her she was important to me. She climbed in my lap and cried. And it was over.

This guided meditation was so freaking intense for me. I had no clue what to expect when I started it and was shook by the time it was done. I felt deeply for this child version of myself, who felt this way and as a mom I needed to take care of these children! I deeply wanted to go back to see that girl or any other version of my inner child that needed me. I wanted to discover more parts of myself that I could heal, and this was my ticket in.

November 27 2015

After a few weeks of guided meditations with Dominick, and having a ton of breakthroughs I was overwhelmingly drawn to do one by myself. He was obviously fine with this and said he was going to wait upstairs and to let him know when I was done. We had done so many different guided meditations at this point, I thought maybe I would try the Inner Child one again. Who knows, maybe I would see a different child, or maybe the girl would be different?

So I said a prayer, “God I pray for eyes to see and ears to hear, I pray for your protection and whatever I am meant to see or hear be for good.” and I started the meditation. I was following the prompts, doing the deep breathing, I was deeply relaxed. It was at the point in the meditation that I would start to see where it was going, and instead I felt warm energy and heard, “Lisa”.

Well jeez, that threw me off, because my mom’s name is Lisa, and I am not Lisa so I restarted the meditation. Once again, everything was good, my mind was blank, Jason started to guide me to where I was going, and all I heard was “Lisa, it’s about Lisa”so I stopped it again. Thinking, what is going on here? I couldn’t understand why I was in this meditative state, yet confused on if I was actively thinking about my mom. My mom hadn’t been feeling well at this point, but had not received any diagnosis of any kind. She had been in and out of doctors for what they said was “Just a bug”.

Because this happened two times in a row, I just decided to put on meditative music. So I sat on my bed holding my pen and notebook, knowing if anything happened I would write about it because clearly there was a message I needed to hear.

I prayed again, “God I ask you to surround me with white light of protection. I pray only good energy allowed in this space. I ask for you to show me what I need to see and hear. I am open to any messages you have for me. I pray for your protection and positive energy so I am able to receive them.” Almost instantly, I felt surrounded by a warm euphoric glow as I entered a deep-meditative state.

I could smell pine, holidays or Christmas as I entered a dark room. I felt so much peace and comfort, it was so familiar. I walked a few steps and saw candles and a fire in the fireplace, with a chair on each side. I approached the fireplace and went to sit down in the chair on the right side, and there in the chair on the left, was Papa, my mom’s father who had passed. Papa was so young, he looked so different from how I knew him, yet I also knew it was him. He was 35 or so, wearing cream suit pants with a black turtleneck shirt and black ankle boots. He was holding a drink in his hand yet never drank from it. He stood up when he saw me, smiling, he gave me a hug.

Tell her, you’ve got to stay tough kid. Thank you for all you are doing. Everything is okay don’t be scared I’m here. Tell her she’s a fighter, she’s strong just like Papa. Tell her to listen for me. I am here she just has to listen.

Smile, laugh joke. Don’t take life so damn serious. Have fun. I’m so proud of you. Your girls are beautiful. Cute little shits. I wouldn’t expect anything less. Don’t be scared, I’m right here beside you. Remember the Phoenix. Don’t worry be happy.

And just as soon as it started it was over. Only this was different because usually, I would write when it was over, but this time I had already written- while I was meditating. I was still surrounded by this overwhelming sense of peace, and in this euphoric meditative state yet also very confused because I didn’t remember writing.

I went outside and sat on the back steps just to feel the cool November air. It was after midnight and very quiet. As I sat there in silence, I looked at this writing in my notebook. Confused and trying to make sense of how it happened, I asked God how did I write this? Again, I felt the warm glowing energy but then I heard whistling. Startled by how loud it was, I got off the steps to see if someone was in the front yard whistling. Then I heard, “Listen”, and it was the whistling of “Don’t worry be Happy.” And no, no one was in the yard, or actively whistling.

I immediately went indoors,and went to bed. I knew I needed to share this all with my mom. She was the one who was familiar with all of this and after all, it was her name I was hearing, and her dad in this meditation I saw. This message was most definitely for her to hear tomorrow, before anyone else.

It was a Saturday morning, and as usual, mom was at a Weight Watchers meeting. Dominick was excited to hear about my meditation from the night before, but I couldn’t tell him. I told him I had to tell her first, which he understood. He suggested I go in the office and wait, so I could tell her right away.

There was some snow on the ground at this point and on the weekends the car was always closest to the garage yay plowing. The car soon became the office. I anxiously sat, with my notebook in my car in the driveway. Not long after, she pulled up. I got out with my notebook and asked her how her meeting was. She was so energetic and said, “It was so great! I am just having such a great morning I just feel like there is something I am needing to hear but I can’t discern what it is.” Wow. Talk about good timing. So I asked her if we could sit in my office because ironically I had something I needed to share with her. She was excited and curious, so we got into my car.

I remember sitting there in silence for a minute, trying to figure out how to say it. I could tell this was making her nervous, not knowing what I was going to say. “I don’t know how to make sense of this, but I have a message for you” and I opened up my notebook to the pages written on the night before. I shared about trying to start the Inner Child Meditation twice and the whole “Lisa” “It’s about Lisa”, and about prayer and going into a meditative state- I asked if I could tell her about it.She was so here for this message, she was almost glowing with excitement to hear what I was going to say.
“smell of pine or holiday time, Christmas, dark room, candles fireplace two chairs in front of fireplace” – and she started to cry. Obviously concerned, I asked her what was wrong and she just shook her head no, “keep describing it”-

“there were two chairs front of the fireplace“- she asked, “Do you know what you are describing?” and I said, “No, and I don’t know why but I feel like I should. I feel like I know this place but I have never been there. It just felt so familiar or safe”. She nodded with a slight smile, gesturing me to continue.

“I went to sit down in the chair on the right side, and there in the chair on the left, was Papa. He was so young – 35 or so, wearing cream suit pants with a black turtleneck shirt and black ankle boots. He was holding a drink in his hand yet never drank from it. He stood up when he saw me, smiling, he gave me a hug

I looked up at her and with tears in her eyes, she said, “You are describing the house I grew up in on First Ave in Minneapolis. Papa dressed like that when I was a kid. He would always sit in the chair on the left and I would sit in the chair on the right and we would just watch the fire and talk. He would hold a drink but he wouldn’t drink from it- I always saw it as a calm-cool collected mister.”

In my shocked state, I asked “How would I be able to do that? I’ve never been there or seen it before?” Smiling,she gestured for me to keep going, so I did. As I went on, the tears continued to flow freely from her eyes.

“…Remember the Phoenix, Don’t worry, Be Happy.”

She immediately responded with, “Wow!!!! Do you know what the Phoenix was?”I had no clue. “When Papa’s radiator shop burned down, dad drew a picture for him of a Phoenix, and told Papa that he could start a new business called “The Phoenix” because the Phoenix rises from the ashes and it is reborn. I think Muddie might have it downstairs in the basement.” Papa also had every other random sign, knick-knack and poster in their basement. This was one I had not noticed.

My mom thanked me for this message and it was a huge relief for her as this was the message she was waiting for. She knew intuitively there was something wrong in her body and that she didn’t have just a bug but had been upset she wasn’t getting answers. She had not been hearing messages yet also could feel there were messages she needed to hear.

“Not everyone will be open to hearing these messages but you will know who is supposed to hear it. You will know when you are supposed to share it. God has given you this for a reason.Whatever you are doing keep doing it. Especially writing, don’t stop writing”

So I did, and I do.